I start this off by saying…We lost a young and cherished community leader in Boston a couple weeks ago. I write this in honor of him, my dear friend Lucci who would’ve wanted everybody to hear this message.
The world moves fast and it moves on without you if you do not take the proper steps to ensuring that you still have your sanity. In a world where professionals are expected to keep moving forward and aren’t provided the time or empathy to slow down, even with the loss of a loved one or any significant challenges in your life. A world where your life can be at a standstill and it keeps moving past you. In this post I write today, I will talk about the ESSENTIAL steps that one must take as professionals in the world to manage your grief and loss and to start the healing process. Steps that I myself had to take.
Grief
Before we go into any steps, let's talk about grief.
A community has a collective loss and you may look around and see people handle the news in ways that may seem very different from yours and, that is because grief is NOT a one size fits all experience. Grief is something that affects all differently and it is personal only to you. That doesn’t mean that you can’t collectively grieve as a group but it also means that you should not feel pressured to collectively grieve with others if it isn’t how you wish to begin moving forward.
To begin your healing process you must first understand grief. You must understand YOUR grief. How you grieve is again unique to you and understanding your grief takes a lot of self-awareness. You must allow yourself the time and patience to allow yourself to feel and flow. It will hit you in waves in the beginning. You might have a few hours or even days of normalcy then something may trigger those feelings in you again. Having the patience and understanding of grief will make it manageable because only you will know what you need for yourself. Some people distract themselves in their work, which is what I used to do but I would find myself still moving forward while never allowing myself to process. Pretending to be "ok" leads to outbursts, snapping on others, agitation and it just wears you down because you have something in the back of your mind that you are trying to keep pushed back there.
So now that we have acknowledged the importance of recognizing that you are grieving and what it is, let’s move on to step one.
Let it happen
Let your grief happen. Do not deny yourself the time to feel what you are feeling at the moment. If you are working, take a step away and just…
feel.
That’s it...Feel. As tough as it is to write this, take in the full weight of your loss. It will not feel good but there is no better time to do so than in the moment. We are humans and we are full of so many things that make us great and beautiful, the loss of a soul that you found beautiful deserves that. They were special to you and it is ok to sit in that for a bit and take it in and remember to BREATHE.
Communicate what you need
Now that you have begun to process the full weight of what is happening you must start to tend to your needs. This is where we start to ensure that the world doesn’t kick you while you are down. In order to be granted the space and time that we need, we must be ok with telling your job that you need some space in order to grieve. You do not have to go into details unless you feel comfortable doing so.
This is the part where I beg anybody reading this to let your employer know. Even if you decide to go back to work like nothing happened, your performance will drop, your focus will waver and it will be noticeable. Without communication an employer or anybody can assume anything and worse yet assume that you are simply slacking at your job. This is a slippery slope that you want to avoid by simply communicating. Some jobs offer bereavement periods and ask about the opportunity and those that do not, ask for a possible day off to gather yourself. If you are an entrepreneur or artist, this is the time to space out your schedule like I had to do. I pushed my schedule back a few days because I have been forced to understand my grief way too many times in life and I know what I need.
I want to be empathetic in saying that there isn’t a single step in this guide that is easy and they all come with their own unique challenges. I am trying to walk you through these steps as delicately and honest as I can. I do not want to sell false expectations but I also recognize the need for empathy for anybody who is currently in need of this guide.
Expectations
In terms of expectations and empathy, you must have some empathy for yourself as well! There is enough to go around. You can have it for others such as the impacted families AND for yourself. You must be kind to yourself. This is not the time to get frustrated because you take slightly longer to get to a destination, or because you don’t work as fast as you used to. You will begin to see yourself making more mistakes, and that is natural. You are human. Be in tune with your energy levels, they will waver. When your energy is low, slow down and take care of you, be considerate of you and again communicate if you have to.
When your energy is high, PRESERVE IT!
Use that energy to feed yourself, cook, take yourself out to dinner, a movie or plan some relaxing things for yourself after work. This is the time to be very intentional about where you spend your energy. If there was someone in your life that you knew was a waste of your time before this, this is not the time to entertain them. THIS IS YOU TIME!
Professional speaking, break your tasks down and create smaller milestones. For myself, even creating a cart on amazon for some supplies was a milestone in itself whereas previously, I would create my cart, hit pay and move on to the next thing in less than a few minutes. That day, the cart was THE THING for that hour. If you have a long email to send, work on drafting just paragraph 1. Take a break if needed and return for the rest until you are done. Work this way until you can slowly and with grace push yourself back to your previous levels.
I told my colleagues where my mind space was at in percentages. As I write this, I feel like I am in a good space so I would give myself 90 percent, whereas last week this day I was at a solid 50 and I let my colleagues know. This way they knew what to expect from me in meetings and so forth.
If you are stuck,
Seek professional help. If you see yourself after a couple weeks still faltering and not anywhere near feeling ready to be back at full strength, it is ok and it might mean that it is time to seek professional help. As someone who grew up in environments where loss was a common occurrence, this where inequity really shows its face. If you have insurance and can afford therapy, seek it out. Some workplaces have Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) that offer counseling services. Finding the right therapist is a little like searching for a car. Most of the time you land on the right one within the first try and sometimes you have to test drive by having a few sessions before deciding that they are the right one for you. If you don’t have insurance or a workplace that offers services, and you have some funds, put that towards a virtual option like betterhelp.com.
BetterHelp is an online platform that provides mental health services through virtual counseling and therapy. The platform is designed to be accessible, offering therapy sessions that fits into your schedule, and it's often more affordable than traditional in-person therapy.
This is not a referral or anything and I have no affiliation with them but they are worth checking out for yourself.
Now, if you are without resources like funds and a workplace with an EAP, then you have to start relying on your close circle of friends and being open and vulnerable with how you are feeling. This may be a time to lean on a friend or family but for you to also do your part in researching different coping strategies for yourself.
This section right here is what leads to the cyclical nature of environments I grew up in. Where you have a demographic of people who are without resources, who work tirelessly in order to feed their families in jobs that don’t offer support or much empathy based on the demand for output. Environments where seeking help for mental health or even speaking about it is a stigma in the community because nobody wants to seem, “crazy” and with, “crazy” comes the perception that you cannot take care of your family and might have to be taken away against your will. Oftentimes people who are stuck in this cycle have friends who are also within the same cycle and things change very slowly in environments like these. People who experience loss or life changing experiences in such places often feel like they do not have the time to heal or that they do not need to and that is where I witnessed the agitation in people, the brokenness and loss of light in their eyes.
If you come from such a place like I did, just reading this and being open to understanding your grief is courageous and speaks volumes to your level of growth. If you are such a person I am proud of you and I acknowledge your courage to be different and to stop the cycle.
If you are this person, there are places like the Louis D Brown Peace Institute that provide resources to folk who came from such environments.
There are other FREE resources like CHA (Cambridge Health Alliance) and their 24-hour Access Line.
Call 833-222-2030.
“CHA offers 24-hour phone services to support mental health needs and connect people to care. You can call us any time of the day or night for support and advice for urgent mental health needs. These may include anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, emotional outbursts, substance use, and other urgent or crisis situations.
To anybody reading this, I reiterate that this isn’t easy and even getting this far can be a lot but nothing worth it in life is ever easy and I am happy that you have gotten this far.
Finding an outlet
You need to find outlets in order to release and process. Simply going through life without making the intentional move to do something that calms you will only release that energy somewhere unintended. You are at a place in your life where there are a lot of feelings and emotions that have built up and you do not want to unleash them on the people closest to you or impact your job.
This is a moment for SAFE exploration that doesn’t bring harm to your livelihood, physical or mental health. Some journal, others bike, some schedule walks in their day, videogames and so forth but whatever you do, make sure you schedule it within your day or week. Taking the time out to schedule your outlet is part of that intentionality I spoke about. This way it is unlikely that other life factors will get in the way of your outlet. Make it a ritual for yourself. These are times where you should be putting yourself first, you can’t function at 100% in your profession or life until you are at 100%.
Efficiency
I like to think of this as merging back on the highway after an emergency stop in the breakdown lane. You don’t just floor it and head for the fast lane. You take precaution making sure you are ready to merge back on, you check your surroundings, you take your time by entering the slow lane first and once you get a good feel for it, you move onto the next lane till you are back where you started. If you are a skilled driver you are probably reading this knowing that you can do this with great ease and make your way back to the fast lane in less than a minute. That is called efficiency and I am here to tell everyone that you can have that sort of efficiency in your life when it comes to grief. Chances are, you will experience something that slams the brakes in your life again but following these steps and having everything ready for when it comes back again will ensure that you transition back to your way of life smoother than ever before.
“Ok I know I need this meal on the day of, I know I need the rest of the day on my couch with my blanket. I know to call this person the next day and so forth and forth”
Having a routine and being prepared doesn’t hurt at all.
Easing back to work
Take my highway analogy and apply it to returning back to work and your professional life. Do not rush back to what you do at a hundred percent. This is how you avoid self-inflicted burn out. Remember the small milestones we spoke about. Celebrate those when you start to ease back into your life. Nobody can tell you otherwise because nobody is able to experience what you experience within your grief. If you sent a few emails today, be proud of yourself. You pushed on for a few hours without being too distracted? Celebrate. You were able to survive your first day back at productivity? Take yourself out for something! This is how you start to implement a sense of happiness back into your life. Those small wins are signs of healing. You should still continue with whatever supports you had sought for earlier as they can make the process even smoother.
Experiences on this level will change you and that is not always a bad thing. This is all part of being human. Being human is not an easy experience but the beautiful parts of life and the people we meet along the way makes it worth it. If you can see yourself out from the beginning to where you can celebrate your small wins then you will come out of this stronger. Your grief does not have to disappear, you can carry it with you until it feels lighter on your heart. You can celebrate your small wins and start doing well in your professional life with it still a part of you, you just get stronger and gain the ability to move with it. Both things can be true, you can feel ready and still hold grief in your heart. The process is personal to you, and giving yourself permission to fully feel your emotions not only honors the ones we’ve lost, but it also honors you. It’s all about giving yourself the care and respect you deserve during a difficult time.
With Love and Respect,
McKersin
My question for y'all is,
In what ways have you honored your own needs during a difficult time?
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